Today, I spent the majority of my time trying to finish the last few chapters of my new book. I just wish I was more excited about finally bringing this project to an end. But, every word I type is like pulling a band aid off a fresh wound. I should feel a sense of relief that I get to write about my divorce, but all I feel is anger. I thought I was over it, but it seems I still have some unshed tears, unspoken words, and unfelt disappointment, frustration, and ANGER! I know why it all happened the way it did, but it still hurts. If only we would have gone our separate ways under better circumstances. If only, we could have remained friends after the fact. If only! I can't help but wonder if he ever stops and feels an ounce of remorse for the hurt and pain he inflicted by his actions. Does he lose sleep at night? Why is it that the person who gets abandoned in the relationships is the one who "feels" anything? Or so it would seem. I think my problem is that I expect others to feel, act, and think the way I do. If only I could ask him these questions and get the truth. If I was in his shoes, I would have apologized for the pain I caused. Instead, I got hurtful words and a few dollars that is supposed to make me feel better about everything I've gone through. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the financial support, but it doesn't make up for the fact that my life was turned upside down. How did he get to move on to the next while I get to take what pieces he left unscathed and rebuild? If only God would have allowed me to do the same. But, my assignment is here in this place of oneness. If only I could get a glimpse of what was waiting for me afterwards. If only.
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